Thursday, 25 April 2013

Outside the consulate

On a Monday morning, I was waiting for Rajdeep Sardesai to tweet good morning so that I could wake up and go to the US consulate where I had an appointment at 730 AM. Unfortunately, Rajdeep had a crazy night I guess, so I decided to wake up on my own and get ready.

The Visa procedure discouraged us to carry anything except the relevant "I am an Indian and I wish to come back" documents and passport. So I was wondering where I could slip in my House documents as I decided to take an Auto ride. In Chennai, you either have to carry your will or possess enough jewellery (basically weight ah na party) that would help you to pay the Auto fare.

PS: While typing out the word 'Jewellery', Prabhu actually appeared on screen and asked if it had Seidhaaram and Seikuli, I had to use the task manager to end task the bot.

So, the auto covered around 1.5 kms to reach the US consulate from my place but he charged me the same amount that Indian Railways charge from Chennai to Bangalore.

I had to wait about 1 and a half hours outside the US consulate and I had witnessed probably one of the worst set of conversations ever. Let me share the Top 3:

Conversation 1

Random mom: Hey, have you applied fair and lovely properly today?
Her Daughter: Why ma?
Random mom: Because, if the interviewer is a white guy and if you are fair, he would think you look "Foreign" and give you Visa  easily

I was searching for an Ashok Leyland Lorry to place my head.

Conversation 2:

Random Guy: Hey you are going to get US Visa aaah?
Another random guy: Yes sir, and you?

Dear brothers, you are standing outside the bloody US Consulate. Will they give Malaysian Visa or what!!?

Conversation 3:

One guy actually asked me this: Boss, if they dont give me US visa, will they put me in Jail?

I am still figuring out why he asked me this.

Though I dont care about conversations 2 and 3, conversation 1 just got me angry. Its funny how few of them still feel its better to be white. Its funny how their mind works.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Mokkai, really?

I was just wondering if anybody has written a post on 'Mokkai'. Since I couldnt find any, I decided to write a very short post about it. Do you know how difficult it is to crack a Mokkai? Oh to all you non-tamil speaking ones, Mokkai is nothing but critical thinking. Don’t get it? Let me give you an example: ‘Getting hit with a slipper would heel better’. Lets go deeper. A Mokkai can possible bring out three expressions.

>     The first one being 'A Mokkai to be remembered' – It ll make the person literally ROFL

>       The second one is where the listener hits his/her head but smiles. Don’t understand? We do this when Joginder Sharma bowls his first over

>     The third is where the listener hits his/her head along with an expression that would beat Jyothika by a point or two. We do this when Joginder sharma bowls more than just one over

I would love to call a good mokkai as critical thinking simply because Mokkai has different meanings (as mentioned above). People are used to saying mokkai padam, mokkai ya Irundadu, mokkai sir, etc, and it gives a negative feel to it, honestly. So what happens when some one cracks a good joke? People say ‘he cracked a Mokkai’. Trust me, it makes that person not feel good about cracking it. Am I getting too serious here? 

This art of cracking a Mokkai is unique. The ability to think in split seconds and come up with something that would tickle the bones is not easy, mind you. Crazy Mohan is a specialist. A classic mokkai would be the one from Panchathanthiram – “Its an Upper engine, Ambla engine I mean Mael engine.. upper deck la” To crack a Mokkai requires great sense of humour and the ability to play around with words and letters.
Most of the times Mokkai is cracked due do the Homophonic nature of word.

One other reason why I would love to rename Mokkai as Critical thinking is because when you google “What is a Mokkai”  this is what it gives – “This is truly a word which means talking irrelevant, Boring lectures, Waste jokes. Many times it may also refer 2 a person's name.”  Sorry mate, lets please give this word another name!?

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Naan-Vegetarian, Tu?

Ah, wanted to write about this long back even before Gandhi did a Dandi march. So yeah, just like how you cannot take a Punjab out of a lion, you cannot take a bloody vegetarian out of a Non Vegetarian. These people qualify as a synonym for quite a few words apart from KD.

They not only thulp-ify an animal but they TOUCH OUR PANEER MAN. If we weren’t taught to share food when we were young, we would have simply shown our three fingers and asked them to read between the lines. That is also bearable and as Russel Peters would say – take it and go. But do they stop there? NO. The price of their Chilly Chicken = twice the price of our Chilly Paneer. Innocently, they would share the bill in the end and make it look like it was all fair. As it is all that a vegetarian can have is Paneer, Mushrooms, Aloo etc. only. Why don’t you guys look at chicken and goat just like how you look at dogs? No Oniya for them? Poor souls no?

If you think these people are KD much, nope wait for it. There is this set of people with a special A Raja touch. This set solidly swallows every creature that moves, on all days except one day. Just make a note of those days and take them out because for a Vegetarian it is good to eat with a lot of other vegetarians because you can try different stuff. Certain people follow it and the sly ones who don’t (even after several warnings given by their family that ‘ummachi’ will poke his eyes), give a standard dialogue “ Hey I don’t feel like eating chicken today”. That’s when you WARN YOURSELF J. What does this fellow do? The minute that chicken is placed on the table, he starts to touch the capsicum and then moves on to the chicken and the whole cycle of unfortunate and inevitable events occur again. These people are the backstabbers or to simply put it in tamil Aasaiyakaati Mosam panravanga.

To all those Vegetarians and Eggitarians out there, stay careful. The least I can do is to ask Rahul Gandhi to visit us.

PS: Take it easy. Full on respect for all you Omnivores, Carnivores and Cannibals. Pie throwing or saliva spitting activities are discouraged

Sunday, 17 June 2012

DELHI yaar

To name this blog, it took me exactly the same amount of time it took Gavaskar to score 36 of 174 balls against England. Phew!

Blogging for the first time. Feel like Sachin in his nervous 90’s. So I arrive at 730 PM on a Sunday in DELHI <Insert “in caps” clich├ęd joke> and its still day (sun sets only at 8 and my face had the same expression of an average L board scooty pep rider who is suddenly asked to 8 pottu-fy by the RTO officer).

 I live in a place where you will find a mall for every two meters. There is absolutely no connection between me and this city. If you ask a question like “Kya bath hai?” to me I would probably reply “Shower bath hai”. Like how Harris Jeyaraj’s songs are to people, Hindi is like that to me (Omhaseeya and Hindi #PotentialSameguy ). You cannot blame me,  Tambrahm parents always wanted their children to take Sanskrit over Hindi because his/her child, a Subramanian, can score 20 marks more than a Chopra and come first in the average bracket. To quote Kamaal R Khan “ Kiss to average and kick to all those who did not get 90”

So yeah, the area I live in is called Arjun maarg (Gurgaon). At first when I entered, it was kind of Maargam only without any street lights (which gave me a slight grin thinking about the power cuts back home) later which I found out that a Corolla found in this area is like finding a Vegetarian Brahmin back in Chennai, avalo rare, like me. I don’t know whether they bought these Audis in Aadi sale but dei what will you do with so many cars? Back in Chennai ladies are struggling to maintain their aathukars only <insert seewhatIdidthere hashtag>. Sachin (god) knows what you ll do with them. One more thing, there are no plastic bags in Delhi. Honestly asking how do you expect a Tambrahm to stay here? We create a business out of saving plastic bags ‘yaar’.

One very good thing I like about this city – Ladies. They are one kankondaa kaatchi only, till they open their mouth but never mind. #equaltoP. They are also like our Ambi mamas only. One cloth oho nu vaazhkai types. Puppy shame.

But come what May, June or July, you cannot beat Chennai and its curd rice. #CSKrockzz.

I don’t know how I am going to complete this post like how a professional blogger would as I don’t have anything else to write. Like I said before, I feel like Sachin in his nervous 90’s and it could take me a year to complete it ;).

 If you would like to use un-parlimentary words or if you have some sane things to tell please pass it on to this twitter handle @achu17